just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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