That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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