Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
