this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize