sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
