PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
