People with herpes should wear stickers.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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