I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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