I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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