Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
