you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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