ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
