If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize