Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
as a side note pls kill me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
