Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
