If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
