When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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