thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
