I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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