I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
