walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I can't put those talents on a resume
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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