why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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