I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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