Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
