i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My brain says no but my pants say off.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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