guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
