Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
