There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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