Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
