she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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