I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
