i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
