Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
are you so shy because you have an std?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
