I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
