My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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