Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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