I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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