you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
