Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
