Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
