If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
