I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
