Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
