I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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