i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
