she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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