Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
