I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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