If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
