Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
