if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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