My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
