I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The maid of honor just puked.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
