He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
