Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
