I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You're so nebulous sometimes
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize