I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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