i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
