Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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