I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
