Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
