So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You don't make any sense
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