oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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