And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
