It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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